Silk Sleepers...Part 1

I watch his face, eyes twitching at 5 am, he's in a deep sleep and I know he's dreaming hard. Even in this unconscious state he seems so focused and attentive. I wonder if he's thinking about her, and the impact she had on his life. I smile and remember our conversation and how I felt such a peace from simply her presence alone. How can something that should have been eerie be so comforting. He'll probably never realize just how much I understand. Suddenly I wanna see how much focus he maintains even in his sleep. I spot it gently lying on his chest, the blue silk seeming to call out to me. I slowlyreach over and begin to move it away from his chest. At first he doesn't stir, then before I can it slide off, he turns over and throws his arm around me, I quietly grab the cloth and clasp it into my hand, snuggling up close to his body wondering how long it will be before he realizes that Im grabbing his thoughts as I hold on to the silk. We lie quietly for a few moments and he begins to snore softly in my ear. I squeeze tighter onto the cloth, and suddenly I begin to melt into his mental. As I drift off into my own level of unconsciousness I see the child walking into the room climbing into the bed....he simply says...'daddy, i missed you, where you been?' Then I hear the voices of several Jamaican women in the kitchen, and the smell of something delicious. It almost seems surreal, then I am walking into an office building to carry him lunch from that same pot from which that woman was cooking. He smiles as I hand him the bag, but he doesn't speak, as no words are needed for thoughts and emotions ar sorted into their own seperate compartments and the dreams flowsin perfect sequence with the silk sleeper. I am the silk sleeper for a few moments able to visualize a perfect dream in an inperfect world. then the stirring begins, he reaches out into the air, and I slip the cloth back into his hand, he sighs and snuggles up closer to my warm body, and in his sleep ask me...babe are you alright? I hold on to his arm, gently stroking the edge of the silk, I mumble yes and we both drift back into the beautiful world of the silk sleepers....

The Effects of Emotional Detachment

Wanting to reach within a millimeter of his space
just to entrap a thought without a home

finding they have been neatly filed away
secured withing his extreme perameters

searching for time while it continues to tick....endlessly
moving from ringing phones that seem to know no end

and places where I simply do not belong
hearts that are stagnated lost without attatchment

yet in my realm something pushes me into greatness
as the span of his mistrust compels me to wait...and wait

suddenly the thought hits me.....the void is clear, he is detached even from self....what am I waiting for?

as sleep slowly overtakes my thought process it seems less important...until god opens my eyes and it hits me again like a ton of boulders...once again

Too much focussing

So this morning I slowly pull myself outta the bed, trying my damndest not to think about his latest words to me. Why? Comes damn he has this ability to make me think too hard. What if's keep flowing through my mind and its like pulling eye teeth just to concentrate on other things. Even after all the smiles and coming at a sista in the midnight hour, in the back of my cerebrum His words still surface How can you love one day then be totally disconnected the next? Maybe its due to certain days we wanna deal with our realitities and other days we don't. Sometimes learning to accept the blame for the things you really did do is best especially when you trying to build. Of course if you just trying to say stupid shit to get 'everyone's attention then maybe you should just be quiet and go back into the corner with the bad kids..

The Look of a Angel

Got to work this morning and all my co-workers stated I had some sort of angelic glow on my face. Wasn't sure how to respond, as I'm sure my recent vacation had something to do with it. However I've decided to maintain the peaceful vibe I had while in NYC and not stress over anything. I must say, it did feel good being back in the classroom this morning and I sure missed my children. One of them, a little girl named Nikki, couldn't wait to show me this morning that she can do double addition problems. I had been trying to implement it into the cirriculum before I left but not many of the children had caught on. So my heart was definitely full when I came to work and she had actually grasped what I taught on two weeks ago. Days like this make me know why I choose teaching as a profession. I just love kids and being around them gives me a sense of self worth like nothing else. They all looked like little angels to me this morning and as they each begin to express how much they missed me and what they had done while I was out had me in a complete state of bliss. This is one of those days where I truly appreciate being me.

Cowpunchers Don't Cry

Can't if I wanted too, too much self absorbed strength inside holding me down to make me fall privy to the saltlands of a Brooklyn Mandingo. Yeah, the clouds done gave way to the open freshness of something, what, we haven't determined, but once again, I'm out here on my own, trying my damndest to smile inspite of all the Bovine Feeces I've been exposed to. I'm so happy I could scream. Martin and Malcolm would have both said......'fuck this' let's get it on....lol I'm a do Lenny proud next time he step to the stage and break down in front of thousands of fans, talking bout....'girl, i love you' not gonna get all gheto niggeroso, but gonna be queen b, and represent the strength and integrity of a true blue cornbreadfed country cutie. Once again, don't try and feel me, I'm often above even myself......lol Just listen and read. Hey a thought just occurred to me, when I die, you bitches better have a party in my honor, cause I swear to God if I see one tear, I'ma get my sexy ass up out the casket and smack the fuck outta everyone of you ho's. Anyhoo, what was I bloggin about anyway, oh yeah, I aint got no tears for ya boo, they all been dried up by the Men in Black way back in day. You remember the story right, well then you should know that when sick mothafucka's strip purity and innocence, they take tears too. Dry lands with soft hands ova here. Oh well, its all good, look at it this way. You never have to worry about me getting all emotional and shit at movies, I just get up and walk out if they start acting all retarded and trying to implant fecal matter into my solar system. Once again, this blog was not created for your understanding, but simply for my scripting enjoyment. Maybe even a necessity when dry tears try and scroch my skin and make me more human than I really am.

Cornbreadfed with determination
Icy

Countrygirl finagalings

The way I figure, by the time I'm 65 I will have experienced every possible emotion and thought so God can come on and snatch me away from this bitch. While flying the unfriendly skies today it occurred to me that my ass is more afraid of love than death. Now aint that a bitch. Maybe somebody can show me how to flip the script on that shit. Keep thinking to myself, at any moment girl, you gonna find yourself in a sho nuf love hate situation, and then what the fuck you gonna do. I'm lost but you'll never know it, cause my smile just has this way of distorting the most sorid thoughts. Is it fake? hell no, but I got the power of the cowpuncher working with me, so I can do da damn thing and still maintain my me. Don't be afraid when them bright lights start shining and you find yourself walking toward them just cause your feet rufuse to stop moving, even when you dog ass tired. I aint scared, shit even the Sabretooth had to retrack his claws from time to time. This man next to me, watching me reading my book wondering to himself, why she reading about slavery cause its over. No it aint you in denail sommama bitch, you a slave and so am I. But my feet bouts to carry me off into freedom, and where they won't take me, Harriet gonna get me through to the next post. Speaking of which, that heifa needs a new do, cause the strings done played out and its too much damn hair weave in circulation to walk around looking FOOLISH....HAHA, (wondering if he'll get that one) Let me get my poetic self back to scribinb major beauty, but I had to drop another tidbit into the water just to see the ripple effect of a black womans thought process. Sometimes we deep without even knowing it....(know he got that one...lol)

Cornbreadfed Ice with much insight!!!!

Separation Anxiety from a Cow Puncher

Greatest thing about self is the recoginition of emotions and being able to harness and redirect them bitches appropriately. How in the hell did I find myself out of the green grassy pastures, somehow swept away into the land of 'whatever, whoever, whenever' I will never know, but this cornbredfed cutie refuses to stop puching them fucking cows simply cause citified, smog filled clouds done clouded my vision. Let me put in some visine and get me some 'git right' so I can ride Ma Bessy right on back into the field, get them field hands and say....let's go fuck Massah up. That bastard been spending too much time watching my ass anyway, and the mistress been sleeping on da big one even with all the Viagra he's popping. Anyhoo, I gotta let this one go, just like Nas did in 'Remember the times' Take the memory for what it was and write that shit down , post it in the white house so the pres and all his aides can know what's really up. Aint gotta understand, just listen. Everybody who ride the short yellow bus, aint in the slow class, but them cows be calling my name, so here I come baby. Feeling all mushy and gushy while smelling them fresh tobacco stalks. Damn being back in da field feel mighty damn different, but I'ma hold it down til Bessy let me ride her off into the midnight sun.

Cornbredfed with much insight!!!