Unfathomable Acts of a Distorted Black Mind Pt II

...so as I was saying, people don't always say what they are feeling, and most times you won't know what's really in someone's head. I feel its my duty as a writer to express the truth. My truth, and the truth is, I kinda of like it when people who are so self absorbed are not able to see the world around them. It makes me write better and gives me clearer visuals. So back to my untimely morbid thoughts. Once I slept with my friends boyfriend. I thought it would be fabulous but truth is, it wasn't worth it. I don't know why she's still with him after all these years anyway. The sex is mundane, not to mention his teeth are well..never mind. What else have I done that I want to share? I once had a crush on a retarded dude who used to live on my street. I was ashamed that I liked him and what attracted me to him the most was the huge bulge in his pants. Oh God please forgive me for being sexually free most of my adult life. Ok, well that passed, and of course I found myself slipping into the world of pretense, shame, and degrading acts that somehow manage to get most of us off track. Don't worry, I've found my focus and don't chase retarded guys anymore, I don't even write Black Power on the side of my neighbors Mercedes in crayon anymore, but sometimes I do smile when things happen that give me something fabulous to write about, and trust me, today has been one of those days. When I leave this earth I hope I leave a legacy to my children, and some interesting words that roll the same as Picaso's paintings did.

Mama said....

I don't know if it was shock that had my heart beating so incredibly fast last night or the fact that one of my children was in danger. Faced with a life or death situation, I didn't know at first why sleep wouldn't consume me. As she comes in this morning and gives all the horrid details of the gun, the blood and all the mayhem she witnessed last night, I now know why I couldn't sleeep. Said she remembered what I told her about keeping herself free of 'babygirl' drama, and it keep ringing through her head. Now she wants to follow my path, part of me is happy, and the other part is somewhat apprehensive. I just want our lives to prosper and be at peace. Thank God today my words actually saved my childs' life.

Incredible Visuals

I used to not get them, but lately they been coming in so clear its almost surreal. I can see them in my mind, and even sometimes when I speak. I often wonder why it is that I will be able to see a path but have no earthly idea how to start walking it, or in my case running it, since I'm perpetually late. That's alright, God gonna be my help. I'll get there, let's just hope the vision is still the vision and I'm not having to look through bi-ficals cause my sight is screwey.

Im beginning to see things for the way they really are, not the way others want me to see them. Recognizing there are various perceptions of the most simple things, I have learned to write, read, and look with depth and understanding, always seeking knowledge and attempting to bring the same to the table. I wonder why it is I only get part of the scenario in my head, not the whole thing. Sometimes I think God is trying to trick me, but really and truthfully I know I have to work for the rest. You know what they say, anthing that comes to easy, really aint worth having.....less it's Poetry of course...(my treasures)

Snippets

As the leaf makes it journey slowly to the ground,
I count the seconds on the clock
wondering how many lives will be lost
in the time it takes to reach its destination

There's not a place I haven't been
where death wasn't lingering somewhere close by
shades of light creeping in through closed windows
My heart don't break, its been broke a long time

Laughter that comes through the blinds
into my bedroom while I sleep
praying urgently for my souls rest
knowing the sorrow keeps me awake.

When the devil beats his wife

Sometimes his tears fills his insides
keeping his breathing ragged and hard
these are those days, when it looks like sunshine
but the devil is beating his wife through the rain

How long did it take for me to learn, that everytime the sun come out, don't mean it's shinning everywhere. Some places don't see the same light I see. Some got more light than they can handle. These are the times I just find myself thanking my God for just enough sun to peek through my blinds, and wake my happy ass up!

Sipping tea with Miles Davis

Miles has the way of putting me in the most melancholy of moods. As I sit here listening to 'So What' I realize that tomorrow is almost here, and I've so much to accomplish. At this point I feel my nose is close to the granite and there's nowhere to go but up. It's about time. Got a letter from Thaxton today, inquiring about the new changes. He saw the new me, and thought he'd attempt to figure me out. Now it's time to move on into tomorrow without looking back. I'm smiling looking forward to the future, and wondering why it took me so long to do something so very simple.

Squiggles on an Inferno

So it seems a situation has occurred, and you suddenly recognize you have a real issue. Instead of dealing with the issue, you pacify yourself by justifying your actions or other's actions. Refusing to put the fire out, you throw tidbits of water on it simply to keep things from getting out of control, not realizing this is exactly what is happening. Life does not sit by and wait for you to get your shit right. It keeps moving and in the process will consume you if you don't put out fires as they occur.

Unrehearsed Scripts

I used to write about meaningless things

like how could one do another the way they do

till I realized, people are unpredictable in their manner

and often leave shreds of disappointments in our souls

I used to write about what love should feel like

instead of what it is.

Strangely enough during those moments love became

what I expected, I found myself hurt, angry, and mostly confused.

I used to plan my days like clockwork, thinking that idle

time truly is the devils workshop, until I discovered the

beauty in allowing my words to drift and my empty days

to be filled by the Creator's beauty.

Now I have a plan, a real one. It is part of my script that
simply says, I refuse to accept the unacceptable. I refuse
to do anything that absolutely cannot be done, and I refuse
to live my days like anything other than blessed and fruitful
days. Some things can be planned, other things just need
to be allowed to happen....like love, but really and truly,
does love just happen? It seems like to me it's a part of
some heavenly plan to make our days more productive and
more meaningful. Of course I'm only one woman who
simply loves the whole concept of love, so ask someone else.

As Jabez heals so will I

Somewhere in the midst of all this madness, there yet remains a place of peace for me. The mother, the writer, the woman, simply speaking young girl who was never allowed to speak above a whisper. All the bowed heads and swallowed thoughts formed into tiny molecules of black pain that spread out over the course of 30 years. Now the jordan has widened and the showers from the waves free my soul. I speak, I heal, I become, and no one will stop the process of growth for this black woman. As a soft smile lingers, tears form, but this time they are tears of joy, of knowing, of realizing that the years of struggle and heartache were well worth it. As Jabez had a desire to protect his, I shall also protect mine, speaking that which frees the multitudes and gives credence to the words no one really understands. Words like I love you...and in God we trust. As Jabaz heals, I would open myslef so that my internal wounds might be cleansed, scabbed over then healed permanently. Yes, being open, you are exposed, but closing oneself off to healing promotes infection, and don't you think we have enough of that already in this world.

Erasing My Words

One day I wrote of the hardships of being black, spoke eloquently of the passion that drew me, the love that knew me, and even spoke of all the flack...I had to take in order to make a point living in this society that will never embrace me. Someone praised me for my boldness, another quietly patted me on my back. There were even a few murmureres who couldn't understand my need for justice if I was living the American dream. Why make waves they said? Why? because it's the right of every individual to express those issues that are important. How many men and women had to die in order for me to stand and speak the truth. Even though it's my truth, its' your truth too, you just choose to beleive the lie. I can't. I can't sit idly by watching a whole nation of people die to their own ignorance. So they sought to stifle me, but taking my printed words and handing them over to David Copperfied so he could ultimatley make them disappear. I will still speak, and although those words are gone, I have more. The revolution may not be won with me, but I will die fighting for it.

Attempting to figure out the mind of a black woman who thinks beyond the scope of her reality should always make for interesting reading. 

Being Black on a White Day

Where am I supposed to go now
when all around me everythings white
I don't know why, but I heard it used to be worse
I wish Mama would've told me
it was gonna be this way, that there'd be times when
black was gonna stand out like a sore thumb
somebody playing tricks on me
I'm sure that's it. Right?
That lady didn't just call me jiggaboo under her breath, did she?
The man at the store didn't overcharge me for a roll of
toilet paper. Of course not, that's petty, and that just shouldn't be
Should it?
Can't even go get my hair did, cause they overcharging blacks down
at the white salon, and everything white,
so I start twisting my hair
locking in my blackness since they tryna lock me out
outta they stores
outta they jobs
outta they country
I still got my rhythm, and that makes em mad
they try and take it, copy it, but its a lil too complicated
so they come up with something else,
call it Hard Rock
take some pills and just zone out.
do some other stupid shit
While I'm next door praying my white neighbor
turn it off cause I gotta be at work at 6:am
but my headphones is on, and Stevie, Marvin and Aretha
takes me away....back to Africa
where the beats are all in perfect sequence...
but only black can see the nature of that type of rhythm
untainted by anger and pure hatred
just a black beat
in a black world
even if only in this poem
I find my sanctuary.

Tinkers of a Black Woman's Brain

We think hard
least most of us do
spent some time wondering
bout all the why's, and hows
tryna figure out how to make
an end meet another end
so they can copulate
smoke, then laugh at me
then them tilted bowls
where all the icecream is gone
cause we ate away the pain
or at least pushed it back down
into the pit of my stomach
with the rest of my issues
To be lost, like a black penny on a new york street
cause it don't matter how different you are
how crazy your hair might be
nails bitten to the nub
won't matter
cause in New York, every body different
so I'll fit right in
but for now, I'll just tinker on something else
like when he gonna call

Being Me

Can I just be me today
Strike up a tune that don't nobody know
put a big purple flower in my hair, tousel my
locs that finally started growing

Can I be me today
Wear my lip gloss and tatored old jeans
the wones with holes in the seams
cause I used to be fat, now I'm just chilling in thick
thinking bout going back, but that's ok,
aint it?

Can I just write me today
Spread myself slowly across the pages
whisper at myself while watching my lips curl
into a smile
blow some bubbles
eat some fried eggs
Then maybe I'll read me for a while

All Rights Reserved. Who'd dare to be me anyway?

White Haiku

Aint' no sunshine here
they took it all for their skin
I embrace darkness

Bearing My Cross

I've heard we all got a cross to bear
but mine gets a lil heavy at times
so now I stand behind it
wondering if it will look back
and snatch me up
Put me in front,
where they say I should be
so they can climb on my back
and make me tired all over again

I'll prolly wonder til I get my answer

An Itch Before Midnight

I feel it even before I see it, like the eyes of angels pointing me toward that which can only be seen through that heavenly third eye vision. Wings of tough leather stirke chords within the window like some sort of Mantra. I'm not afraid, its just time to scratch the itch. Gotta let all the old go, and move forward. No more words are necessary, I smile at my angel as I succumb to the scratch. Soft hands with just the right amount of strength to let me know I was born to be loved.

Having that last word!

Ok, so now, so all questions have been recorded, discussed, re-recorded, analyzed, deciphered, and it still comes down to this.....who really gives a fuck? Some things we don't need to anlyze to the point they are turned into mush. I REFUSE TO BE MUSH IN ANYONE'S WORLD! Dammit let me be a frosty or fresh bag of Sugar or something, but never mush. If you can't figure me out, then odds are, I''m just a lil to much for ya. I have figured out the most intricate pieces to my puzzle are not in the things you hear about me, but most often the things that are deep inside that you have to probe to reach. Most aren't up for that deep probing it takes to get to the heart of ME! IT'S sorta like going on a roller coaster ride, getting to the top and suddenly deciding...Im getting the fuck off of here, but then you realize you 200 feet in the air, and you can't get off cause if you do, you will fall. Sometimes you still fall, simply cause the ride gets to crowded. Or they just say something stupid making you wish you were anywhere but in an 'amusement' park.

Thinking out Loud

Wow...these past couple weeks been so wild I haven't been able to write my thoughts the way I wanted. Trust me though the memories are filtering through my brain like slow motion. I'm vibing my way through Brooklyn tryna get fit, sit, and hit the nails along with the cracks in the pavement. Loving the journey even with all the bumps that sometimes surface. Being loved is truly a beautiful thing and what can I say, I'm in it for the long haul, prying to God I don't lose myself long the way...lol He bought me the most beutiful leather journal for my poetry, and if I don't cry today, surely the streets of Brooklyn will be lined with my tears of joy within the next few dys......no mo illin on Pen when I can chill real on Mad.....Mos Def eat your heart out. Thank you Dave Chappell for making me laugh so hard during this period. Speaking of which.....damn....Will Smith was so on point in Men in Black when he told o'girl to get some new clothes and do her thang.....FELT LIKE THE SKY OPENED UP AND SWALLOWED MY SEXY ASS WHOLE!!! Anyhoo, what else, damn, Shorty's vibin on solo for a min, and I'm on a whole nother literary level, according to my editor in chief Michromics.USA...lol. Damn, been so long since I flowed real stupid like this, my hands getting sweaty. Guess I'd better go check the viddles for big papa get riled up....Til next time, this sweet sexy sista signing out. Happy Memorial Day! And lawd do I have some memories!!!!!

Sad News

Sometimes it just doesn't seem real! Yesterday, I recived news that someone I worked with was gone. Cancer took her away, just like she was never here, and as I prepare to go to work, it just won't be the same. We think we can accept what death shows us, yet sometimes it seems almost surreal. I smile as I think of her fond laughter and the way in which she made everyone feel loved and special. Today I will do something in her honor and ask God to help me where I am weak. I pray my living won't be in vain.