Moving Again....Them damn Dreams

My legs hurt
My exercise regimen sucks like lollipops.
I can now see my.......It's really pretty
I wanna be fat again.....NOT!
I dream about him every night
I wish it would stop, really.
Well actually I don't.....just wanna control something other than weight loss.
I'm moving into my first New York chill spot
It's gorgeous
Overlooks the Hudson River
All my clothes are too big
I need new shoes...what woman doesn't
I'm feeling rather homely today....why is that?
I miss my babies
I miss my homeless man
I miss..........(deep sigh)
I dream of him too, usually on really cold nights
God keep him safe.
I have some major support on the play
I wanna quit somedays, but the children won't let me.
Church folk look at me funny....I'm getting used to it now.
My new Pastor is awesome.
Began working with a group of young people....they know more than me
Now teaching Sunday school....(wow...Me?) (just like he used too)
I'm controversial and quiet.
I love my self...on most days
Not used to this new me, but I'm getting there.
The view in my new home is fabulous.....
I wonder if I invite them....will they come????

He used to like my chicken........
I still do.

this has been an Icy Update

Babblings of supreme greatness

In the grand scheme of things
life is still what it is.....(where have I heard that before...sometimes I just be saying stuff)
Every day you meet people
some are good
others are well.....lets say, they challenge your character or make you simply want to spit
I've been blessed in more ways than I can count.
I don't count, I find it's simplier to let things just be
sorta of like sitting on the dock watching seagulls eat fish
I've managed to piss some higher ups off with my writing.
They said it was a 'little too honest' for their lying publication.
Like Maya said.....Still I rise.
Pablo has done a disappearing act, but Terry sho nuf performed on Oprah the other day
I'm now too sexy for all my shoes, but I'll keep wearing em till the good Lord
allows me to afford some new ones.
The play is coming together nicely.....I have to re-write a death scene, because once again
I'm too honest for my own damn good.
Obviously even for the NY elite.
Oh well, like Jill said.....Love is like farting in an elevator, you may not know who's doing it, but you sure can smell it. Writing I'm sure is much the same. I must get my name changed soon before the headhunters track me down and swallow my soul.
Note for the month. It's easy to 'fall' in love, but hard as fuck to climb out of it.
Still I sit, while caressing excellence.

Sighs Moans, and Worn out boots

......I thought he was lying at first
wanting me to feel sorry for him, maybe
giving me a sob story to butter me up to
ask me for money,
cause you know men lie, don't they?
they lie well, like lies are a part of who they are
I smile as he tells me don't be sad
I'm sad inside but I try and listen with a 'solid heart'

my heart is not that solid, its sorta like
carmel cake or freshly baked oatmeal raisin cookies

today Pablo doesn't want to talk
He greets me with a nod and walks along with me.
I stop and get my bagel and tea,
he stands outside the coffee shop and waits patiently
then we walk along Main street quietly. (It's 6:38 am)
I look at his feet from time to time
His worn out boots won't get him through the New York winter
I'm waiting for him to ask me for a dollar. I've been
waiting for 3 weeks, but he only wants me to lend him my ear
20 minutes each morning - I listen - he talks
but today, he sighs, loudly.....
sounds like a freight train ripping through his mind
I want to ask what's wrong, but I know better
I've heard the story I know what's wrong.....

(last week in a nutshell)
finally he speaks
I had a dream about momma stabbing Cham
what made me mad was she got blood on my
daddy's white tee shirt that I was wearing.
He told me it was mine, but it always smelled like him
I missed Daddy.
(I wanted to ask questions, but I bite my lip and kept quiet)
ain't no peace when you watch blood leave the earth
specially at 8
couldn't do nothing but cry inside
tears wouldn't come
mama told me it was his fault
(I assumed he meant his father's)
I nod my head for him to continue but it's as though I'm not even there anymore
heavy breathing...
I'm afraid sometimes......afraid that Cham will come take my soul like Mama took hers
She talks to me when I don't have my coffee (5th of Rum that he carry's everywhere)
I was in the room, I should have saved her
(how many of us have tried to drink or snort away guilt)
I just watched, watched, watched
Mama couldn't be killed she was already dead
by the way, you look pretty today, Cham had eyes almost just like yours
you could see through to her soul
(thank you Pablo...)
so what are you gonna do today my friend? I ask
sit right here, and wait for you to come back

(I had a million questions......but I knew to ask would close the porthole. For whatever reason, I need to know this man's story. Yes, he's a homeless person who walks the streets of New York fighting off demons that are not his. He's 72 years old, but he's still 8 years old. He's a part of my day, a part of my life, and I don't know why God has placed this man in my path, but I do know he's not crazy, nor is he inhuman. He is a human being and I will treat him as such.)

Pablo's Thoughts

punctuation has been removed to protect the writer.....

Ma'am I'm an old man I recognize this but life has been unfair Are you placing blame I say Hell no, but the truth is shit happened to me that no man or woman should ever have to see. Is that why you have your 5th of coffee at your side every time I see you

Awwww that...no Missy, see that's just my way of telling the devil to go fuck himself, see a few years back we made this pack and I sorta reneiged on it, now I have to swallow this shit just to make sure he don't start talking to me to much (I attempt to not let him hear me gulp....really loudly)

Tell me about your family I say.....He laughs then grabs my shoulder. I can smell his anger. It was kinda like fried bologna mixed with citric magnsia and stale peanut butter.

Get your hands off me please....no disrespect but you dont wanna know that story Actually yes I do. Why cause Why cause you seem like you got something to say and I wanna hear it
My mama was ashamed and empty....why is that? just shut up and listen There were 5 of us but my sister Cham got the worst and the best of mama. Daddy left one night after they had a big fight and somehow managed to take all the life out of mama with him It's fuckup to have a mama who's there but gone So what happened with your sister Cham, where she at now???

She's dead....Mama heard a voice one night and killed her in front of all of us. I realized then I could miss my bus or ask Pablo to hold off on the rest of the story.

I missed the bus that day and was late for work.

Here's why!

The introduction!

Downtown was just beginning to stir as I walked along Market street at 6:15 am. I could feel my feet pressing against the concrete as I slowly made my way to the coffee shop. I spotted him laying at the bus stop as I walked past. He nodded his head in my direction and I smiled as I made my way down the street. He then yelled out...."hey you..." I refused to show any fear so I yelled back in an even louder voice, "HEY YOU" I think I may have shocked him out of his drunken stupor because he sat straight up and attempted to clearly focus on my face. Of course by then it was too late and I was inside the coffee shop. By the way, I don't drink coffee.
This has relevance, but not until later in the story.

For several weeks, this man was sitting or lying in the same spot both before and after I got off work. Some days he would simply stare at me as I walked past, other days, he would tell me he liked my hair or my dress. Some days he chose to tell me something profound about our country, like.....The world is fucked up becuase of the United States, you know that right? I would generally nod my agreement and keep walking. Then one day it happend. He wasn't on the bus stop. He walked up behind me and literally scared the shit out of me. I'd never been this close to a street person before, but I didn't want to be intimitdaed, so I smiled and told him to never walk up on me like that again unless he wanted to get cut. His laughter bellowed through the streets and then that's when I saw them. His beautiful grey eyes that cut through any fear I could possibly have. At his side he carried a half empty bottle of barcadi, his coffee, however he respected me enough to keep it at his side while he walked with me.

"Hello doll, my name is Pablo...Pablo Witherspoon, and I figured it was time for me to make an appropriate introduction. "Hi there, I'm Rhonda, how are you today? Well I'm good for an old man gone young.

Then it begins. He tells me the story. One of the most incredible stories I've ever heard in my life.

More Soon!

Getting Over!

Getting over.......
Getting over what?
Getting over people
what kind of people?
People who hold you back
Back from what?
From life, destiny, peace of mind
Why?
Cause you'll destroy yourself with worry if you don't....
Today I got over
There is no residue left
I've been cooked all the way
No half done chicken in this pot.......

________________________________________________________________
Upcoming in Icy's world

I met a homeless man named Pablo a couple of weeks ago. Imagine that, a homeless man in New York. Almost unheard of huh? He has been enlightening me to many things. He is old, and dirty and walks with several sorts of limps. Society has abandoned him, labeled him as not only homeless, but hopeless, yet He has a twinkle in his eye that draws those of us who truly desire to understand what life is, and how we get where we are.....'sigh' He has entrusted me to share his story. I will try my best to due him justice.

In the coming days, I will write about what he has shared. He makes me smile, cry and get angry all at the same time. Almost like........ well that's another story, but Pablo will be here soon for he stays on my mind. I think I may be well on my way to experiencing what real writing is. Back soon folks.

My eyes are not blue!!!

My eyes are not blue, neither is my hair long and blonde. (well now it's sorta blondish, but that's a whole nother post. Icy's hair issues. I'll tell the whole story real soon.)

I speak with a southern slur that will either make you yearn for more, or get on your last nerver. Some days I bite my bottom lip when I hear of the condition of this world. Religion gives me a headache, but spirituality makes my smile shine like the sun.....

I was used to hearing crows at night and roosters in the morning. Now I hear sirens, and arguments over who's turn it is to make the coffee. I despise the smell of coffee and the attitudes of people who are addicted to it. I don't think I have an addiction, at least not one that warrants mentioning here. Maybe on Freaky Friday I can share my 'former addiction'. former/current (same thing right...???)

Anyway, I like my brown eyes. They are sincere, and sincerity is like gold in a world where fake imagery gets all the attention.

My job I currently have is a wee bit boring. Ok, let's be honest. It's madd boring. I miss what I used to do back home. I miss being in the classroom.
I am working out now. Every other day. My legs hurt, but I'm getting stronger. I ask my trainer the other day if my breasts would shrink if I lost too much weight. He thought that was hilarious. I wanted to slap him into Manhattan. I have breast issues too. Or should I say the lack thereof. Anyway, this is not about my breasts. It's about what happens when you look into someone's blue eyes and what they see when they look at your brown ones.

Today, I interviewed for another position at a company that I'd really like to work for. The Director told me it was something about my eyes that spoke to her. I was looking into her bright blue ones thinking, if I had blue eyes I want them to be this color, and low and behold she was probably thinking the same thing. Or maybe she was wondering how much I payed for my DKNY suit I was wearing that fitted my curvavious body just right. Maybe she was wondering if I stole it, since many times they think, we steal. I was answering questions with such precision that I had to breathe, stretch and shake to make the interview a little more relaxed. I prayed, ask God to place the right words in my mouth and low and behold He did just that. Hopefully I'll get a phone call telling me I got this new position soon. If not, it simply wasn't for me. In any case I still got the sexiest brown eyes in all of New York and a smile to match. And believe it or not, I'm about as humble as they come.

I just happen to like myself.
Do you like your eyes? Do your like yourself?

They Don't Know Me

They can't help but smile when I pass
They've seen me before
New Chic in town
Always going somewhere
Kinda Quiet
Until she smiles
My smile is sexy
I smile at myself
on rainy days
My eyes hold secrets that twinkle
like Stars
My new attitude breeds love, STRENGTH!.....and.....
get outta my way if you ain't doing
but TALKING bullshit
I left bullshit in Indiana
I'm not in a competition
I'm a woman
going somewhere
doing something
God driven
motivated by life
Can't you smell me?
They ask me questions...
just to hear me speak
southern and smooth
like Petticoats and hot butter
Drip Drip Drip
What's her name?
I think it's Dollbaby or Brittney or something
She moves like the wind....or is it thunder
She got big thighs...umm
and attitude.
She don't seem to care what's going on nowhere but
Her space
Get in it
Fit in it
Can You....
Keep up
She smells nice too
Like Sunshine and Marmalade
mixed with a little bit of sex
Sweet sex
The kind you wanna swallow
you know
Dudes who like plums dig my smell
dug my smell
It's still potent
Ask the construction worker
or the lawyer
or the bum on the corner
they love my smell
the essence of my womanly nature
know how to make theirs rise
but they still
DON'T KNOW ME!

Icy

This Birtthday Girl is too sexy for her shoes.

Today was a beautiful day. He bought me shoes. That's not of course what made the day so beautiful, but everything around the purchase of the shoes was absolutely spectacular. Got to see the U.S open on a big screen in the park. Listened to a cool jazz band that had a bass player who was off the hizzzzzinoooook. Spent at least 2 hours in barnes and noble doing what I do best. Critiquing books. He bought me a bunch of those two. He's a good guy. I would say it's because it's my birthday weekend that this gorgeous black man is being so good to me, but damn. He's just good to me every day of the week. Well except for Wednesdays' whenhe has class, and Monday's when he has his bunions boiled off, or Fridays when....Ok, I'm getting off track.

Hey people. I'm 38 yrs old today. (September 11) I feel blessed, young and stronger than I have in a very long time. God has blessed me. My skin is glowing, and my smile is still charming men everywhere. Old women still love to give me advice on how to be a good wife, and I still accept it thinking...In God's time, I'll be saying those words every wife uses like a mantra. "I know you don't think I'm washing those drawers."

I'm thanking God for my life, my family, my new shoes, and the blessed gift of choice making. Life is beautiful, and to be real real blunt. SO AM I! I'm feeling me and my sexy ass shoes tonight like I havent in a long time. Well, it's about that time. He's out of the shower and I suppose, the birthday party is about to begin.

Love you People!

I love Poery. Anyone wanna give me a gift, send me a poem or just make me laugh. Pray for people who don't have the liberties you do. Trust me, they can use our prayers.

Icy

Loving Mr. Potato Head

Hey People. Aint nothing at all like having an interchangeable face. It's different than colored contacts, hair weave, and having 28 pairs of stilleto boots in the closet. It's sorta like knowing you feeling a certain kinda way, and designing a face to go with the feeling.

Ok, I'm in this big place and so I'm writing from a different sorta place I suppose. I'll have to drop the latest about the new job over the next couple of days, and the my new next door neighbors who have chickens in their backyard. Ok, I left Indiana to get away from this country shit, and suddenly here I am down on the farn all over again.

Sex is better when you actually like the person you're having sex with. (I've been so blessed!!!!)

New York is cool. I have come to realize that people are just people wherever they come from. Babies from Louisiana and Mississippi are in my prayers.

Back Soon
Icy

Icy Update

Hey all. I'm still alive and breathing. Matter of fact, I'm doing pretty good for a country girl gone city.

I miss you all, and will pop back in soon for an update. I think I accidently posted the other post to Chrome's blog, but check him out anyway.

Keep Hope Alive People

Icy

Friday Ramblings

Today is a blessed day! Not because I'm finally a New Yorker, but because somehow I finally crossed the first hurdle in changing my life. I made a decision and followed through. Follow through's always been a big issue for me, so although I'm seeing the challenes that are set before me, I realize that I took a step.

A big one.

Ok, so now the country girl has come to a new town, has to make about 10 other major steps to get this new life in motion. Will she be able to do it? So many have doubted her, but I think she's well on her way, don't you?

Will she obtain every goal she set for herself?
Will she hold her head high and place herself in a position to allow greatness in?
Will she get a great job, cool apartment, and make some new friends?
Will she let the country girl shyness go, and step up with a little boldness and poetry girl swagger?
Will she let the opinions of others, especially loved ones, scare and intimidate her?

Will she stop speaking of herself in third person...? (probably not)

Monday morning, real life begins....she'll be hitting the pavement, taking the next step in her 10 step plan to become a better 'she'.
She ask herself this morning, why of all places did she choose the state of New York?

she answered herself with this response..........Why not New York?

Realizing there are folks back in her home town waiting on her to fall, and admit the big city was just too much for her, come running back to the comfort of the country and all that is familiar.
She hopes they're not holding their breath!

-----------On another note.....

Tomorrow, we will celebrate my youngest daughters birthday
(She'll be 11) My boyfriend and I are going to make this a very special birthday for her. One she'll remember forever!
Last night coming into the city, her eyes got so big looking at all the buildings and stores. I'm somewhat saddened by what she was most excited about though. She looks at me with joy in her eyes, and says "Mama, look, there's a McDonalds on every corner. Wow Ma, New York is cool'

I must expose my child to new things.....like immediately

I guess when you go from living in a town where there's only one McDonalds for three counties, and coming to a place where they are everywhere, that's something to be excited about. Even though I don't eat McDonalds. (and she won't be eating much of it either)

Speaking of which, its' time to go whip up some viddles for the youngun' She'll be waking up soon.

Oops I forgot, this is New York.....I must not say viddles out loud or I may get shipped back to Kentucky on a tugboat.
Have a great weekend poeple!

*Icy

The deer that just wouldn't move

Driving along this country road...thinking,

thinking loudly

but not loudly enough

(how loud do your thoughts have to be to intercept your actions?)

Just loud enough not to see the deer. The little one that

was sent out into the road to distract me.

Break my concentration

Interrupt my anger at change (my discord at doing something different)

Create some frown lines, wrinkles, or age spots (God forbid)

I slam on the brakes, veer to the right to avoid taking a life

Cause as pissed off as I may be,

I don't wanna have to answer to God as to why I took a life when all I have to do was move outta the way. So I just moved.....altered my position, changed course to avoid hindering/harming someone (something)

Damn...that's it!!!! (I just had an epiphany)

I changed.

In the process of change, parts of the old me had to die to allow the new stuff in.

The old attitude,

the apathy

the indifference to new ideas

the overtrhinking of simple philosophy's

the time wasting. ( my favorite pastime)

the judgemental mindset that said, 'I'm so much better than I used to be', knowing damn well I'm not. (I'm discovering I'm human, this is coming as somewhat of a shock to my ego)

---

I'm empty now God, please fill me up with Premium and screw the cap on tight this time!!

----

I'm sweating, trying not to get out and cuss out Mr. deer. (cause I don't cus on Sunday's, but it's Tuesday so WTF)

He remains in the road, unwilling to move. Blinded by my headlights that have long since passed. He stands there, shaking

waiting

waiting for life to move him

waiting for his mother to guide him back to the safety of the woods

waiting for a sign

He waits

and waits

and waits......

while he waits, he puts his very existence in danger

his hooves get damaged from the asphalt

his eyes get weak from the constant watching

his bones begin to deteriorate from standing in the same position for such a long period of time.

his spirit

his spirit is in a far away place, frolicking with his kind, enjoying life

only mind won't send the impulses to his body to catch up with his spirit

so he stands

and waits

I look in my rearview mirror watching him, as I continue on my journey.

Thinking again.

Loudly this time..

Real Loud.

I used to be just like that little dear.

Life and all that comes with it

Guess what Bloggerfriends? 18 years ago today, I experienced childbirth. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise if you haven't done it. IT HURTS! Today I look at her, and thank God the rewards have been far better than the pain.

Happy Birthday Ms. Kortny

Mama loves you more than life

My kid rocks, yall

I'm in transition, I'm walking into this next phase of my life with a cool pair of raybans (do they wear those anymore) and some fake aligator boots.

Today it'll be light and airy, once I've absorbed enough of New York to say something truly insightful, I'll be back with all the details of my new life. until then, kiss a friend, hug an enemy, and don't let a day end without telling someone you love them.

You never know when it could be your last.
Peace, Icy

Thoughts for sale! - Is anything free anymore?

"But this is slavery, not to speak one’s thought."
-- Euripides
(480-406 B.C.)


What is slavery to you? I firmly agree with the above quote. This is a form of slavery when you are not able to express yourself freely. Most of the time, we are our own slaver masters.

Would you be willing to pay for your thoughts to be heard like the good ole southern boys were willing to pay to have their 'property' returned to them.

How valuable are your thoughts and ideas?

Whether you wanna beleive it or not, slavery still exist today. Unless you live in the land of Oz, all over the world people live in bondage, in fear of their lives, basic rights being stripped from them. Women and Children are physically and mentally tortured. Men are fighting wars that are not theirs, losing their lives in the process. Poverty in itself is a form of slavery. I've been there on more than one occasion.

I'm not sure why I woke up at 4:00 a.m thinking about freedom of speech, slavery, and torture in today's society, but I think its safe to say, I had a pretty disturbing dream. I think I need a sun sandwich.

"You see these dictators on their pedestals, surrounded by the bayonets of their soldiers and the truncheons of their police. Yet in their hearts there is unspoken – unspeakable! – fear. They are afraid of words and thoughts! Words spoken abroad, thoughts stirring at home, all the more powerful because they are forbidden. These terrify them. A little mouse – a little tiny mouse! – of thought appears in the room, and even the mightiest potentates are thrown into panic."--

Sir Winston Churchill(1874-1965) Prime Minister of England

Now, say something'! I dare ya!

The Moon and Tommy Hillfiger

The word says in the beginning God created......yeah, He's a bad man, and brought to life all this stuff we got down here now. Like the trees, the sun, the moon, and all the crap we generally take for granted. What about mosquitos, arent' mosquitos cool? And bumblebees and tulips. Sometimes I wonder how it is that people can be so caught up in the makings of things that are so (bovinely) do a word search---insignificant yet we lose sight of the beauty of that comes in the simple things.

I'm rambling, but have you looked at the moon lately? Be honest.

I'm also fascinated by people who get excited about clothing. Like fashion designers. They are an unusual, tempermental bunch of folks. Especially the little dudes in the tight pants with the wild hair cuts and even wilder accents. Their ability to pay such close attention to the detail of a piece of fabric, and the craftsmanship that goes into creating an article of clothing is pretty cool.

But to simple, country folks like me, IT'S JUST CLOTHES!!! Thanks but I'd rather have a sun sandwich

Now you take the moon, the intricate way in which God choose to allow us sight in darkness, tell me that aint some amazing shit. Some would view that as just me being emotional/intellectual/deep (physchotic). Hell I don't know, I just know that God's little creations are awesome.

Like rain. Have you ever looked at the rain? The smell of it,(how you can smell it before it comes. (sorta like someone I used to know in third grade) The way it falls from the clouds, making the flowers grow and black beauticians extremely wealthy. (All scientists can go to hell, rain is amazing) I have already accepted my position as a strange cookie, so whatever!!! I'm also fascinated at how lightening can take the life of innocent bystanders standing next to electrical poles..(or of two teenagers riding horses in a field as was in our local news this week) Ok, that's some other shyt, but damn, rain is awesome.

I'm confessing as much as I love rain, I'm terrified of storms. I usually hide when they come, but my shelter is under construction. I guess I'll have to face this storm like a woman.

Maybe Tommy will make me a special raincoat and I'll share my sun sandwich with him as payment!

The sign still says walk! (Continued)

Today I realized how much the words of others have affected my writing. There are many other writers who help me keep the pace So today, it is my pleasure to honor
GG. Her voice is powerful and she lets the world see Guyana from a beautiful set of eyes. I hope to one day call her my friend. She makes walking fun. She takes me on the most incredible journeys.

I believe in the power of the human spirit. I beleive that the roads we travel help define us, and the people we met along the way help us to understand ourselves.
This man gives being human a whole new light. Humanity the way it should be.

Chromeis a great writer. He taught me lots of cool stuff. He's a Man, a kid, and a genius all rolled up in a smooth pair of J's. Better not step on em though, he will track you down and make your life miserable. His voice is strong, like heaven's thunder clouds. You should check him out. He's beyond awesome. His films will set the film industry on fire.

Last but not least, there's Ale. She's like a breath of fresh morning air with the faint scent of coffee and cotton candy. There's others I want to mention, but it's getting late and I've been walking for a few hours. Can't allow myself too much healthy stimulating mental exercise. I might morph into mediocrity, God forbid.

(I wonder if Poody tang has a blog. I wonder how many would understand...sa da tai)

Enjoy these folks as I do each day!

The Sign really does say Walk!

The sign says walk! 


It's pretty awesome when life gives us these little signs letting us know when it's time to move forward. Imagine New York city, or even your city without traffic signals. Without signs that tell Pedestrians when they can go or when they should STOP! The hospitals, funeral homes and car dealerships would be packed. (that was my horribly morbid thought for the day)

What happens when life's little signs are out of order, and you just have to relay on instinct to tell you when to move. Are you able to do so, or do you wait on confirmation after confirmation to finally do the things you need to do to move forward in your life? The sign is working today, it says walk. What are you gonna do? Remember others are behind you counting on your ability to move forward. Keeping them waiting could resort in a mass entaglement of bodies in the middle of the street, and a few New York cabbies who didn't see the sign that said Pedestrains crossing. (Another interesting visual, sure wish I could draw)

Life from a Different View

 


From an upright position, the world is in a horrible condition.
I stood on my head just to see if it would be any different.
I now have a headache and nothing has changed.

Someone Please Give this Chic a Zan-X

Before going to bed last night, or should I say this morning. I realized that I had left some papers on my nightstand. I was just about to fall asleep when I bolted out of (living room floor) to retrieve the papers and read them over one more time. What was the great sense of emergency in my having to read over these important documents at 2:am? Absolutely nothing. The documents were the following. My grocery list. My things to do list. I had reviewed them at least 7 times throughout the course of the day, and needless to say, I had pretty much memorized both lists. I am not obsessive compulsive, at least not on Sundays. I don't have a bed. I think this fact alone is making me crazy. I am also conscious that I have only three pieces of bread left in the loaf and three is not such a cool number. I got up and threw one of the pieces of bread out into my front yard at 5:30 this morning. Had to feed those birdies. Since I am in transition I am currently sleeping on the floor. This is lots of fun as long as the rats decide to stay at the neighbors house and not visit me, but I find myself getting up at least 8 or 9 times during the night. I love infomercials and have the sweetest dreams when I watch them. Speaking of dreams.....never mind, I'll talk about those tomorrow.

I can't sleep if my washing machine is not running. I can't sleep without the television or the radio. I can't sleep if my door is not locked. Doesn't have to be shut, just as long as the lock is turned. I can't sleep without my pillows being stuffed neatly between my legs, and the room a cool 65 degrees. I can't sleep without my Jill Scott Poetry book right beside me and my favorite bear, Blane Porterfield on the other side. I can't sleep without hearing my man's voice. I can't sleep unless I pray. I can't sleep unless I have a plan for what I'm going to do the following day. I can't sleep if there are dishes in my sink. I can't sleep if clothes are not folded and put away. I can't sleep unless the toilet seat is down and the shower curtian closed. I can't sleep without having a piece of ice in my mouth before I lie down. I can't sleep without checking to make sure all my writing is filed away where it should be. Basically, one might say I am functionally crazy, but that's the great thing about interpretations, everyone has a different one.

My oldest daughter couldn't find her lighter the other day, so she decided to take the toaster out into our hallway and use it to light her cigarette. (Thank God she has moved into her own place now) This was crafty, but she left the toaster out in the hall overnight, someone decided to steal it. It was a $10 toaster and although I had it for 5 years, it didn't have any real sentimental value, but last night I couldn't seem to stop thinking about who had my toaster. Where did they place it in their kitchen? Did they sit it on the counter? Maybe on top of the fridge, on the kitchen table. Did they have roaches? Would the roaches crawl into my toaster? Did they try and sell it for some crack or cyrstal meth? Should I be laying here at 4:00 a.m thinking about this? Probably not, but I'm allowing you a little deeper into my somewhat twisted mind so you can pray and thank God you don't have as much time on your hands as I do right now. I wonder what they thought when they seen my toaster sitting there. Did they think it was a blessing from God, since maybe they didn't own one? What if a child got a hold of it and decided to make toast for all their friends the following day? Good thing she didn't leave something out there I really cared about, or I may never sleep again. Basically I need either some medication or a bed!