Have you ever had a day when you found yourself completely exposed? Almost liie a fish out of water. Uncomfortable, alone, sad, full of self promoted anguish, flopping around desperately wanting to be back in the water where its dark and dreary? If you answered yes, then you are one of the millions of people who have decided to implement 'trust' in another individual. This is a hard place to be in, especially if you've grown comforable hiding in lonely shadows where no life resides simply because you don't choose to worry about people fucking wit your head. I, the country bunkin, who's generally leary of all those venturing into my life with a happy song and a microphone, found myself in a position of 'Exposure.' It's was the most exasperating, yet heartwarming experience in my life. My back was against the wall, and suddenly I realized although I had a choice in whether or not to relinqush my generally cool and suave country demeaner, it would be in my best interest to EXPOSE MYSELF to the elements. Wow, now I'm already feeling the growth...(private joke) I got angry, I cried, I screamed inside myself, at one point it even felt like I was dying. I was COMPLETELY EXPOSED! I even was about to walk away because getting to that point of trust often makes one want to just throw in the towel, simply because your mind is telling you. 'somewhere down the road, trusting this person is going to come back and bite me in the ass. Or in my case, both my asses (pj)
Trust is so hard for me, yet I've found myself walking into a place of complete trust. Am I crazy? Have I lost my ever loving country cornbread mind? Should I be committed? (Committed to the process....lol) Or should I just thank heaven that somehow I realized today that I am human, and it's ok for me to become 'exposed.'? Bonita once told me, Secrets give her head aches. I'm feeling her now, although I didn't understand what the hell she was talking about at the time. I want to be known for who and what I am, not who I'm perceived to be by those who really don't know me. I like not hiding anymore, its a cool place to be in. You should try it with someone you really love. Like I did!
8 comments:
You have read me like a EJD novel with raggedy pages and highlights to boot.
I understand this all too well.
I have always had an issue with trust but in my case, I tend to trust too easily. I am so open to everyone I meet and most times I fall flat on my 5 head. Yep, I have bumped my dome more times on concrete that I swear I done cracked a few vessels and effectively stopped the blood from flowing to my brain.
Fortunately I still have blood flowing through my heart. I see the goodness in people and run with it. I HOPE that they won't disappoint. Then I pick at everything they do because my hope turns into suspicion. I trust them so much that I mistrust them, you understand?
I have managed to ruin many relationships with my lacksdaisical trust issues because I go into them too open, too soon.
As I grow, I am learning to be more aware and less anxious. I am learning to make people earn my trust instead of giving it away at Bargain Basement prices, a 2 for 1 deal. As if winning my interest means to also win my trust. I am also learning to be more selective.
Icy, I got a hug from dem bitches and now I know mo' betta. They were the Last of the Titans, ya heard?
I know that my trust is just as precious as my garden. I ain't running with a damn thang. I am too cute for. (smile)
Too cute for DAT.
I'm feeling ya. The bargin basement is for folks who can afford runs and rips in relationships. I am not one. I also know that as I get older God gives me wisdom to kno how and when to trust. Sometimes I think this whole issue is blowing so many of us out of the water. I cringe when i think back to my own bargain basement days. Keep watering your garden girl, and only let those in who know the true value of your beautiful flowers.
Gee, only last night my cuz and I were talking about trust, she was kicking herself that she trusts people too much, people she barely knows.
I'm learning to take people as they are...what I mean is, I don't expect, I just accept. That's how I deal with folks I'm just meeting. I'm not trusting or distrusting, just listening.
As for the boy / girl thing...well, it took me a loooong while to trust de man, asking the same questions in many, many different ways...but little by little, I got there, and it's been worth the while :-)
I read in this book, Women who run with the wolves, that women need to use their instincts more when it comes to trusting / distrusting.
whoo, gg, your cat and mine should talk. Mine trusts no one but me, no way, nada. Used to hide so well she couldn't be found. Now she is old and cranky and gets right out in front of people and gives them a piece of her mind, just scolds and scolds. (when we are alone, she tips herself over backward to lie in the crook of my arm like a baby, and loses herself in having her belly stroked.)
Now that's selective trust! I think I become more like her the older I get...
Sometimes we fall face down when we reveal to much about our selves but I realized that if you want people to know you for who you really are you better be ready to show them the real you....you feel me......Bo
Bonita, I feel ya about showing them the 'real' you but then again I don't think they really want to see it. They are so scared of you not being who they think you are. THat's what I have to stop caring about.
Icy, I have the same country demeanor with issues of protecting self, but I am not as close to the place of total exposure (trust) that I should be.
I try to do it, but every time I get to the point of releasing....I get slapped in the face and run my country ass back to that corner and wait.
Damn! I wish I was so brave...
I am COMPLETELY exposed to my best friends. On the flipside, I go to great INCREDIBLE lenghts to be protected and hidden from the rest of the world. I wonder what that says about my trust issues?
Post a Comment